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Spiritual Musings and Crazy Kooks

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For as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to all things spiritual. I have no idea why, but I love a good ghost story, near death experience stories, life after death, meditation, the power of the mind, and things that go bump in the night. I don't think of myself as a crazy kook, though some people may disagree. I don't touch Ouija boards or go to (or believe in) psychics, though I would love to have a private reading with Kim Russo or The Long Island Medium, but I just have always found some sort of fascination and comfort in the spiritual realm. For as long as I can remember, I have been a seeker. Seeking and craving a spiritual connection of any kind to God, to Jesus, and whatever life lies beyond this one. I know I'm not the only one who wonders about what happens when we take our last breath and the lights go out, but sometimes that wonder and that curiosity get the best of me. 

So a few months ago, a friend of mine recommended that I see a friend of hers that d…

Are You Chasing After the Wind?

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Where have you been? A friend asked me in referring to the fact that I have not been on my personal Facebook page in a few months. Ever since my surgeries, I've been really focusing on the meaning of MY life and trying to live a life of abundance & authenticity. I took a huge step back a few months ago from social media. I think it just hit me that it just wasn't healthy for me anymore. I never left a social media site feeling really good about myself or anyone else for that matter. Have you?  I finally had to stop and ask myself, What are you doing???

I've experienced the disappointment that comes after hours of mindlessly scrolling through the vanity and meaninglessness of Facebook and Instagram only to feel like I've wasted precious hours of my life on insignificant and trivial content. I often find myself thinking, Who on earth has time to stop what they're doing in their lives so that they can post another picture of what they're doing on Twitter, Face…

It's Not Me, It's You!

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Why does unacceptable behavior go unchecked? Why do we keep giving excuses like, "we're all a little broken", or  "hurt people hurt people", or "she obviously has issues and that's why she acts like that."  Yes, I agree that can be true in most instances, but c'mon, really??Can we use those excuses every single time someone treats us poorly? When do we stop making excuses for other peoples rotten behavior? Why don't we call people out on their bullshit behavior right then and there? I know, I know, "Be kind. Most people are battling things you know nothing about". Newsflash: We all have battles we face everyday, and we all have insecurities, and guess what? The majority of us aren't assholes because of it. 
I've had a handful of scenarios over the past year dealing with other people's hurtful an unwarranted behavior. I didn't call them out on it. I should have, but I didn't. Instead, I went around mentally ques…

Living, Learning, & Getting Over It?

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Trauma survivors often experience some form of post-traumatic growth- a psychological phenomenon in which trauma deepens life's meaning. After my first surgery I was at a constant tug of war with myself. I was teetering between post traumatic stress and post traumatic growth. I was stuck between being so angry at God, the universe, or myself, and allowing myself to feel the growth that was trying to take place inside of me. Over the past several months I've learned that you can't have growth without trauma. Trauma shatters everything you think you know and everything you think you believe about God, about people, and about yourself. 
The thing with trauma is that its unexpected. You're caught off guard. A suicide, cancer, a car crash, a shooting, a bombing, or a brain tumor. You really have no idea how it will affect you until you go through it. I had a woman the other day basically tell me that it was time to "get over it" when the topic of my surgeries came …

Expectations, Assumptions, & Rewind Buttons

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My 11 year old went to a sleepover recently, and while there, made some bad choices which in turn ended up really hurting his best friend's feelings. I only found out about the bad choices, after I got a call the next day from an angry parent telling me what my son did and demanding an apology. I was mortified. I taught my kid better; he knows better. He knows the difference between right and wrong and yet he chose wrong. Was it a selfish move on my son's part? Absolutely. Was it irresponsible? Yes. Was he punished appropriately? Yep, at least I think so. Why is it whenever a child of mine misbehaves or makes a bad choice, I wrongly surmise that I am a failure as a mom? Do any other mom's do this?  Is this what other mom's think of me? Do I really care what other mom's think of me? Or are my thoughts getting the best of me yet again because they are telling me to painfully pin on the badge of "Bad Mom" because my kid made a bad choice. 
From the moment you…

Dancing With Demons

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"I literally don't know why I'm anxious, I just am, and very few people understand that." Jennifer Nance 
I love the beach. I love staring out into the ocean and could sit there for hours on end. Yesterday, as I sat alone staring out into the ocean it struck me: I realized how truly calm I was. There were no butterflies and no tension. It was like the saltwater reunited me with the stillness that lies within; a stillness that I have a hard time finding most days.   

For as long as I can remember, I've shown little signs of anxiety. Looking back, I remember feeling nervous a lot as a child ~ especially when my parents fought. Day in and day out, I felt nervous. all.the.time. I never told anyone probably because it's the only feeling I knew so I assumed it was normal. As a teenager, anxiety began to change, like it was also going through puberty right along with me. It presented itself as a very "out of control and angry" feeling deep down inside of me. …

What A Bunch Of Nonsense!

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Behind the smile, a hidden knife!" Ancient Chinese proverb describing passive-aggressive behavior

During our lifetime, we meet all sorts of people. Not all of them end up being our friends, and that's more than okay. There is a quote that says, "Everyone you meet ishere to teach you a lesson". I'm not sure I agree with that or not, but it sounded good in my mind as I was stewing over the petty behavior of another woman and trying to rationalize a reason for her actions. There was a battle going on in my mind of wanting to retaliate and stoop to her passive aggressive level, or simply let it go. The mental battle raged on and off for weeks. After all, if someone's a jerk, it can make you feel justified in being a jerk as well.

We all have different values and principals, so when we encounter someone who we assume differs in terms of viewing life, there’s bound to be conflict~ and some are all too ready to express their disagreement, however passive aggressivel…